Fun With Roommates

My sister is currently looking for a roommate. Since I just recently asked mine to move out, I can totally relate to the trials, tribulations and drama of having another person who is not a significant other living under the same roof. So here's to my sis - the best of luck on your search. I hope this article cheers you up. Compliments of the Onion, of course!!



COLUMBUS, OH—Ohio State University student and local tenant Adam Polentz, 22, is growing increasingly bewildered and annoyed by roommate Daniel Brosima's constant presence in their apartment, Polentz reported Tuesday.

Brosima eats breakfast in the kitchen almost every morning.
"It's like the guy never leaves," Polentz said.
Whether silently eating his cereal, looking out the window, or reading a book while standing up, Brosima's quiet and unvaried living habits have managed to "unnerve" Polentz.
"The other night I was in the living room watching TV and he came out of nowhere and sat right next to me without saying a word," Polentz said, wondering what Brosima's deal was. "He just sat there for 45 minutes, watching what I was watching, until I finally got up and left."
The two have lived together since late April, when Brosima responded to Polentz's "Roommate Wanted" ad in the campus newspaper. Polentz said that he regretted not being more specific about the type of person he was looking for, having chosen instead to highlight the apartment's "awesome patio."
"Even when he came over to check the apartment out, he kind of puttered around, opening and closing the silverware drawer, and peeking in closets," Polentz said. "Looking back, all the signs were there."
Polentz said his past roommates had been conspicuously mobile, frequently leaving the house and returning with fresh groceries, obvious suntans, and recently met women. But Brosima has exhibited no discernible interest in the world beyond his living quarters, instead spending hours in the apartment's common areas playing solitaire or humming to himself.
Polentz claimed that, on the rare occasion that his roommate retreats to his bedroom, Brosima leaves the door wide open, even while asleep.
"I can't get away from him," Polentz said.
Adding to Polentz's frustration, Brosima has paid rent and utility bills on time without fail.
"He's got an income coming from somewhere," said Polentz, who last week increased his hours at his work-study position at the campus library in order to avoid Brosima's evening routine of aimless pacing and off-key whistling. "But I don't know where it comes from—he never leaves to go to a job."
Polentz said the situation reached a "critical mass" when he returned from a weekend trip to find Brosima lying on the couch wearing the same clothes and still watching ESPN, just as he was when Polentz left Friday evening.
"I felt like I'd stepped through a wormhole," Polentz said. "Everything was exactly the same. Except now it was ESPN2, I believe."
Some clues seem to indicate Brosima engages in a relatively normal level of day-to-day activity, among them, changes in facial hair, the presence of several recently dated magazines, and a jar of peanut butter belonging to Brosima that slowly emptied until it was replaced in the first week of June.
Although he briefly considered subletting, Polentz said he will most likely finish out his current lease with Brosima and eventually move into a modest one-bedroom with his girlfriend, where he hopes to "finally get some privacy."
When asked for comment on Polentz's allegations, Brosima expressed confusion.
"He's a complete mystery to me. That guy's, like, never here," Brosima said.