Things That Piss Me Off

I have anger issues. I know I do. I admit it. I let
myself get riled up over the stupidest things. Perfect example - Elmo

There is a new Tickle Me Elmo coming out just in
time for the holidays. It has new features that
the original Elmo did not. Here is a description -

He’s still red, fuzzy and really ticklish, but now Elmo’s laughing fits have him slapping his knee, falling to the floor, rolling over and pounding his arm.

I don't know why but this thing just pisses me off. When I
hear that stupid little giggle of his, I just want to slap the shit out of him. Yes, it's crazy but it's true! When I was a kid we had Grover. I love Grover! And let's not forget Super Grover! Elmo to me is a wannabe Grover. Sure, he can make noises and move around while the toy Grover could not but what is left to the imagination when the toy does everything for you? Anyway, there is no reason why things like this should exist in my world.

Solution - Put a gag in his mouth, tickle him until he laughs so hard he pukes and chokes on his own vomit. Problem solved. Let's move on.......


Remember Snuggle Bear from the fabric softener commercial? The one who talked in a baby voice and said "I'm Snuggle?" Can someone please tell this stupid bear that he is not cute and that he looks like a rag?! Seriously, would this be your first choice of teddy bear if you were buying one for a loved one? No. I don't think so. I know it's just fabric softener but when I see a raggedy bear talking in a baby voice, it makes me run toward the Downy every time. I don't know who is responsible for this ugly ass bear character but they need to go back to school and think up something that doesn't annoy me if they want my money. Enough said.

Solution - Toss bear into my backyard. Watch as my 2 dogs rip his limbs apart and tear out the stuffing. Send plastic eyeballs back to fabric softener company with nasty note saying this will happen to each and every Snuggle Bear until he is extinct or until they get a better character to try and sell me their product.

Ok, you knew this was coming, right? I gotta say, just about everything that has to do with children's programming pisses me off. Alright, I know. I had Sesame Street and the Electric Company and they had characters as bad as this one. They talked in baby voices and did stupid things. Barney, however, has to be the worst ever! A big dumb oaf with a retarded song. "I love you, you love me".... I'll show this fool some love alright!

Solution - Ask dumb dinosaur for help. Take him into a back alley in a bad neighborhood and watch helplessly while he is viciously attacked by hungry crackheads who think he's Grimace from McDonald's.

Ah yeah. The Wiggles. Now I should think these guys are cool, right? I mean afterall, I thought Pee Wee Herman was pretty cool. I still do. And the guy who played him was busted watching porn and fondling himself. Not very good for a child's idol but a fun character nonetheless. The Wiggles though? Not for me. Yes they teach. Yes they entertain but seriously, you have to draw the line somewhere. I am convinced that these guys have a secret sordid agenda. Playing these characters is just a cover for something far more sinister. They don't have me fooled. The rest of you, however, should be afraid. Be very very afraid.

Solution - See Wiggles in car. See car drive Wiggles up mountain to edge of steep cliff. See car and Wiggles drive off cliff into oblivion never to be seen or heard from again. Yeah, it's very Thelma & Louise but it takes care of the problem and doesn't get our hands dirty.

This concludes this posting of "Things That Piss Me Off" I hope you have all learned something today. If anything, don't let the annoying things in life get you down. Remember - there is always a solution. Sometimes you just have to look deep inside yourself to find it. Happy Hump Day!!!!